Mental Health - COPING - Coping-with-a-new-baby

Coping with a new baby

Coping with a new baby

Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn't always easy. It can be difficult to find time for yourselves, your sex life can change, you have to juggle the commitments of work and family and find a way of agreeing on how to bring up the children.

This factsheet aims to help you if you've just had a baby but the Relate book Babyshock! explains how your relationship can be affected from the first decision to try for a baby, through pregnancy, birth and babyhood, up to the stage of caring for toddlers and young children.

When the baby comes home:

Don't keep it all to yourself. Talk to your partner, and other parents - you'll find that many of them are experiencing the same mixture of conflicting feelings
Work with your partner to support each other through it. Take turns with the baby. When it's not your turn, don't hover - get away from the noise. Go out, if need be.
Be kind to yourself and each other, knowing that lack of sleep causes lowered tolerance and frayed tempers.
Sleeping separately can help to keep at least one of you from falling apart, but don't do it for too long. Sharing a bed is an important part of being a couple.

Living with your new family:

A new person in the home, however small they are, has an impact on the relationships of everyone who already lives there as well as on extended families. Keeping an eye on how things change can help you to be sensitive to your partners feelings and those of others around you.

Some things to look out for are:

Is someone feeling left out in your family group?
Is someone intruding in to your family set-up? How can you tackle this?
Is anyone's past experiences causing them difficulty in coping with the new situation?

If a new baby has upset your relationship:

Make time to talk. Agree on a time. It needn't be long, but choose a moment that suits you both, when you're not hungry or especially tired.
Take turns to listen to each other, uninterrupted, for a certain amount of time. One of you might talk for five or ten minutes about any particular problems and anxieties, while the other listens carefully without interrupting. Then the other partner has an equal amount of time to do the same.
It is very important not to use language that blames or criticises the other. The object is not to attack or undermine each other, but to try and understand what the problems are. Say, "I feel abandoned when you go to the pub after work instead of coming home to me and the baby", rather than, "I'm furious that you spend so much time at the pub. You've never bothered to come home on time, and since we've had the baby things have got even worse".
When you have heard each other, go away and think about what has been said. Your first reactions may be "hot" thoughts - anger, resentment. You might feel like crying. Let these feelings pass, and focus on what your partner actually said, so that you end up with a clearer understanding of his or her feelings. Then, when you're ready, use your insights to talk the problem through again calmly. Try to move towards a solution that satisfies you both.
Don't give up. It takes practice to learn to communicate better. Don't expect everything to be solved immediately, but keep at it and bit by bit you will start to see changes.

If your sex life has suffered:

Be very aware of your partner's feelings. Don't accuse - "You never spend long enough on foreplay." Try making gentle suggestions - "It feels so nice when you stroke me all over. I'd like you to do it for longer next time."
Don't feel you can only talk about sex when you're actually in bed. It can be easier to talk about it away from the scene of the action.
Get used to talking about sex in a more general way by watching TV programmes about it together or cutting out magazine articles to show your partner.

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The Have I Got A Problem website is a free online resource to help people better understand any issues or concerns they may have about mental health or addiction. The website includes resources specifically focused to; general Mental Health, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Insecurities, Self-harm Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Anger Management, Eating Disorders, Coping, general Addiction, Alcohol, Smoking, Gambling, Drugs, Cocaine, Heroin, Marijuana (Cannabis) Ecstasy, PCP, Mephedrone, Ketamine & Crystal Meth.

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Quotes

"Then we snap out of our dream and see our child addicted to a drug and wonder if the future is even possible. We mourn the loss of our dream"

Brian

"With the right counselor and the right counseling techniques, I was able to learn to cope in new ways. I was able to stop my most self-destructive behaviors through their counseling and their care."

Caroline

"Do not fear the winds of adversity. Remember: A kite rises against the wind rather than with it."

Anon

"Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day"

Ann Landers

"Everyone has different ways of coping and we’re all at different stages of our personal recovery journeys."

Michelle Howieson

"It’s about accepting your mental illness and being willing to challenge your mind with coping strategies."

Tracy

"If you do not feel in control of your life, try control of something small and then work up to bigger things in your life."

Yao Li

"If is easy to make the same mistake again and again, to change the hardest part is the first step."

Nasad

"My lung cancer was discovered in November 1997. Looking back, I can see that their support was vital to my recovery."

Cynthia

"Day after day, night after night, my real self, my soul, began to emerge. I saw courage, character, and strength grow in."

Nicole

"I am constantly working or trying to maintain the status of my 'body shield' and interacting on the Internet helps with that...most of the time. But when my hull gets hit, I need to ground myself to refuel or just gain some emotional silence."

Asadora

"A coping technique I used was exposure therapy. I would put myself in stressful situations (out in public with a lot of people) for a limited amount of time and gradually built on that and stayed out longer and longer."

Liam

"Make a list of stuff you need to do, decide which order they go in and do them one by one. I found this really useful. Massive tasks are never as bad if you break them into smaller tasks."

Peter

"Do not fall into depression again as its perhaps one of the most demotivating states you could ever be in, think positive and keep on track."

Robbie

"Find some time to relax and clear your head, which will also help you feel less anxious."

Emily

"If you feel really bad, I got told to take deep breaths. Breathe in for 10secs, hold for 10secs and breathe out for 10secs. It really helps."

Jenny

"What made a difference for me was getting cognitive behaviour therapy and medication so that I could break the fear and anxiety that was holding me back and affecting my outlook."

Anonymous

"I can accept a hug now. Before there was always some kind of motive. Here it comes without a price."

Kathirena

"I was a teenager who wore black, slept a lot and cried often. I had no idea that these symptoms can signal serious depression."

Andrew

"I was lucky. If I’d turned to drugs or alcohol as a way to solve my problems, I might have been another teenage drug addict or alcoholic, and never have gotten the help I needed."

Andrew

"I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster."

Allie

"I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child."

Allie

"Each and every one of these “addicts” deserves the chance at recovery"

Allie

"I thought that when she got treatment our problems would be solved. Little did I know that we were just beginning the most intense journey of our lives. "

Marge

"I began to nurture my own faith that something bigger than my maternal love was going to hold her together. It was up to her to respond to recovery…or not."

Marge

"As horrible as I felt, I knew other kids would go through this stuff too, and maybe my story could help them."

Chase

"Time heals all wounds. After the initial emotions set in and you begin to deal with them, they become easier to manage."

Donna

"I was flattered when he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live without me. Now, I see how possessive he is."

Anonymous woman

"When he called me many times a day, I felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every d"

Anonymous woman

"He seemed so knowledgeable, so worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way."

Anonymous woman

"What kind of love is this where she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of being criticized for what she did or didn't do?"

Dr Linda Sapadin

"You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him."

Dr Linda Sapadin

"It can be hard to accept your daughter is pregnant, let alone be happy about it. You might find yourself crying your heart out over this, and looking for reasons why you failed to stop it from happening"

Dr Roger Papadopoulous

"Dealing with our daughter’s addiction was by far the most difficult and the most painful thing we have had to navigate together as a couple."

Shelley

"Neither one of us could believe that one of our kids, to whom we had devoted our adult lives, would have, or could have, headed off in this direction. We lived in denial for a long time."

Shelley

"e gentle with each other. Know that we each are doing the best we can in a really difficult situation."

Shelley

"These dreams were ours. That is why the pain is so great. We feel our dream slipping away. It’s such a shame we have imposed our dream upon our child and we see their addiction as a failure to achieve our dream."

Brian

"My hopes and dreams now are that I can be a better father, and that I will be regarded by some little ones as the best grandpa in the world."

Brian

"When another person is the one who has “the problem,” and you are the one lifting every stone to find the solution to his or her problem, you cannot and will not find it."

Pamela

"All is far from hopeless, however. You can and you must find answers to your own problem."

Pamela

"There is a way out. Whatever first step you decide upon, take it today. You will not regret it."

Pamela

"I believe some of us are more determined to stay, some of us more likely to withdraw and that it isn’t necessarily the degree of strife that makes the difference"

Gina Sangster

"Every now and then we may find ourselves in a relationship that has just run its course."

Donna

"Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.”"

Marie Hartwell-Walker

"Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends"

Jane

"During a very dark time a friend told me, “Where there is life, there is hope.” I don’t know if he knew how profound those words were to me."

Harriet

"Dealing with the pain and heart break is never easy. We just have to live the days as they are set out and not live in the past."

Albert

"Life isn't always the way it's suppose to be, it's just the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference."

Anonymous

"When in doubt just take the next small step."

Anonymous

"Be someone that brings out the best in you not the stress in you…"

Louis

"The most effective way to cope with change is to help create it."

Laura

"Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person."

Henry

"Some things are not problems to be solved, they are facts to be coped with."

Jasmine

"Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

Julia

"Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on."

Brenda

More Send us your Quotes

Tips & Hints

Set Expectations
Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at th...
Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at the start of your team brief will help you to manage the process more effectively. For example, expectations may be set around the length of time the team brief will take, how and when questions will be taken, and when attention will be required.
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Be resourceful
Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means ...
Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means talking to someone who has been through it or looking it up in the yellow pages or on the internet to find resources that will help you get through the situation.
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Have a good support system
A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Reme...
A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Remember to surround yourself with love and love yourself no matter what situation occurs.
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Handle your emotions
In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, dis...
In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, disappointment, anger, frustration, shame or loneliness. You need to let yourself feel the emotions. Cry when you need to cry. Punch a pillow, yell, scream, roll around on the floor and have a temper tantrum. Let the emotions pass through you like a current and move on.
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Have a sense of humor
Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. ...
Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. Write a journal and record your feelings. Find a peaceful outlet such as a long walk, taking deep breaths, listening to your favorite music or watching a good movie.
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A Different Treatment?

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Problem solve

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Keep calm

Try to regulate your emotions, for example by staying calm, rather than reacting violently with tears, anger or fear....

Use humour

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Be proud of surviving

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Feeling totally burned out? Retreat in solitude for a while

Take a bath, hide out in your bedroom and watch movies or read books or magazines, or go by yourself to your favorite place in nature. ...

When you're feeling down, or not yourself, listen to music

Trust your intuition to tell you what you need - soothing, classical music, upbeat, fun music, or mellow, chill-out tunes. The notes wi...

Learn to say

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Face your difficulties

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Go ahead and make mistakes

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Call an old friend

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Try volunteering

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Allow yourself to be less than perfect

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Socialize with positive people

Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space...

SLEEP!

Aim for 8 hours a night, and in the morning, things won’t seem quite so unmanageable. Your body will also benefit greatly from sleepi...

Get a pet

If you like animals, get yourself a pet! Dogs in particular are great for cheering people up, and forcing them to get active by walking...

Turn to friends and family members

Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones c...

Face your feelings

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avo...

Look after your physical health

The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by get...

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either

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Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s c...

Coping with separation/divorce

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these ...

Give yourself a break

Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as ...

Don’t go through problems alone

Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk...

After a breakup

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet...

More Tips & Hints

Coping with a new baby

Downloads

Web Resources

Quotes

Tips & Hints

Set Expectations

Be resourceful

Have a good support system

Handle your emotions

Have a sense of humor

A Different Treatment?

Problem solve

Keep calm

Use humour

Be proud of surviving

Feeling totally burned out? Retreat in solitude for a while

When you're feeling down, or not yourself, listen to music

Learn to say

Face your difficulties

Go ahead and make mistakes

Call an old friend

Try volunteering

Allow yourself to be less than perfect

Socialize with positive people

SLEEP!

Get a pet

Turn to friends and family members

Face your feelings

Look after your physical health

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either

Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Coping with separation/divorce

Give yourself a break

Don’t go through problems alone

After a breakup

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